How to Justify Using Your Grandfather’s Handicapped Parking Permit

1. Hunch your shoulders over the wheel as you cruise in. This is crucial, since your profile in the window of the vehicle instantly telegraphs the condition of the driver to the viewing public (in this case, the other patrons of the lot). An upright posture indicates a vibrant, healthy body.

2. Since you are so obviously young, make an attempt to tone down some of your youthful showiness through watching what you wear. Shorts that show just a hint of buttock are out, as are tight miniskirts. Stick with pants for the most part, and try to avoid flashing that perfect tan you baked for in 16 minute increments over the past month.

3. Feign a limp. This can easily be overdone, so don’t drag your leg along the pavement or anything ridiculous like that. A slight hitch in your gait will do. Just pretend like one leg is heavier than the other, and it will come naturally. Watch that you don’t stop limping when you are just inside the store; turning a corner before doing so is more discreet.

4. He is your grandfather, after all. Which makes you a granddaughter and therefore entitled to the privileges of parking front and center by right of blood. Inheritance of the parking permit, you might say. Note that this argument really only holds up in front of people who already agree with you; in other words, keep it in the family.

5. Wigs are reserved only for really desperate times. This includes not wanting to be seen in public when a cute boy you happen to know is walking by. Try to select a wig with just a tinge of grey. Hair is an age indicator, and if your get-up puts you just this side of senile, your driving will attract impatience more than forbearance. Remember, wigs are usually dowdy and skewed a little, so don’t be too meticulous when arranging it in the rearview.

6. Back into the space, and do it slowly. Nothing seems more incongruous than a driver that slides the car into a handicapped space with careless ease. When backing in, make several corrections, even to the point of delaying other cars from parking. The drivers will only feel guilty if they are impatient or upset at your driving skills when they see the little hanger in the windshield.

7. When exiting the car, always ask for assistance. Though this puts at least one person in close enough proximity to discover your secret, (who you can either draw in to the joke with a well-timed wink, or wither with indignant outrage), the heart-rending spectacle will melt any suspicious parkers in the lot. After all, misfortune can strike at any age.